First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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