At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
