Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Randomize
