I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
