bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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