the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
