You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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