haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
