You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
