Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
