her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's rum buckets o'clock
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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