Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
