I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
