I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
