Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You have to summon your inner elephant
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
