I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
