Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
