she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
