I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
