i wish my penis had a tongue
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
