oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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