Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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