Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
