I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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