he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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