im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
