i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
