I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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