me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
