OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
