Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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