I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
