You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
