I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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