I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
