The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
