either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i think i have two assholes
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
