Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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