I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
