I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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