i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Also, beer. Big fan.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
