i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
