Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
