Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
