get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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