I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
