Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
