she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
