There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
