just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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